July 6, 2025: The Kaboomie Kid

The championship was in reach.

At ten, I spent a summer camp week tucked in the North Carolina mountains. The air carried the scent of pine and freedom.

On the last day came the highlight as campers circled the pool for the ultimate showdown: the cannonball contest.

I advanced through the early rounds with no trouble. Somehow, my skinny frame created enough splash to keep me in the game.

Then the final round arrived. Just me and a chubby guy, standing at the edge of greatness, as everyone watched.

When I jumped off the diving board, my knees slightly wobbled, resulting in a mediocre plop. But my opponent followed with a thunderclap and claimed the trophy.

The loss still stings.

This week, I learned about the V-Position Splash. Turns out, competitive splash-making is real, and there’s a strategy to it.

Here’s how the technique works: hit the surface at a 45-degree angle, legs drawn up, butt leading the way. Right after impact, snap straight. When done correctly, you get a big kaboomie.

This year’s world record holder — yes, this person exists — used this exact V-move and created a 33-foot water wall.

If only I knew this science back in the day.

So, chubby kid from 1980. I want a rematch.